4 Reasons Why Not to Fall for a Book Character

 

Admit it, you've done it just as much as I have.  How could you possibly resist that sexy smirk, or sauntering walk? How could your breath NOT be sucked away at the sight of him battling hordes of ugly creatures without breaking a sweat. His poetic speech, flawless grammar. It's more than you ever thought could possibly exist! How could you not help falling in love with him the moment he walked into the room and then spending every waking second mulling over the words he last spoke; anxiously waiting for the next moment you can quietly sink back into the corner and again be reunited. There is one small, practically irreverent problem-

he lives inside of a book... 

   If you suffer from this rather common form of 'Fictional Mooning', rest assured that your not alone. However, just because your not alone doesn't change the fact that this relationship you have is going to crash and burn. One of you is going to end up back on the shelf, and the other, enduring the rest of their lonely existence alone... You might be thinking that I could never understand what you two have. You spend sleepless nights pouring over his words (never receiving a reply), your life for the past few years has slowly gravitated around him, he is all you can talk about. Deep inside, (very deep), you know that he loves you just as much as you love him.
   If those thoughts struck a cord with you, stop a moment and read these words carefully. Your under an alluring, easily susceptible spell woven by magicians (who are known in their mortal forms as authors). Let me break some cold hard facts to you about the relationship, (Fictional Mooning), your under.

 Its a one sided relationship, he doesn't know you exist.

 You know how your plans for the two of you to travel to Hogwarts during the spring failed because he never showed up? Remember the wedding dress you bought when he inadvertently proposed? Remember that time you spent the whole night asking him if something was wrong, and never received a reply? Yeah, it's because he didn't even know you made them. Though you may be communicating just fine, his attitude towards you will always remain the same - indifferent. The hard truth of the matter is that no matter how much you flaunt around to catch his attention, the separation between you and him is the span of a thick, paper book. One that he can't see you through. Any attachments you make between the two of you will be but empty gestures to him.

No matter how much time you dedicate to him, 

he is always going to walk off with some other girl.

   All those survivors of  'Fictional Mooning' can easily relate to this. You spend hours, and I mean HOURS, pouring over every move, ever word he ever speaks. You analyze his flaws and strengths, you brag constantly about him to your friends. He is the only one who can make you feel better after a long day, he's the one you go to first when you have a problem. You depend upon him, you listen to him, you wish you could drop the insignificant life around you just to clutch the pages he resides in. However, no matter how many pages you flip back, he always ends up leaving you and walking away with some other girl. Never, in the history of 'Fictional Mooning' has there been a different outcome. The statistics are at an undeniable 100% probability, and if you think your case is different, think again. You know those millions of other girls who used to hang over his every word? What happened to them?...

They're in their bedrooms cursing his name. That's what.

There is such a thing as unattainably perfect.

I mean, your amazing right? Why wouldn't he fall for you the moment you laid eyes on him. Half the world is swooning in a dead slump to the ground over him, but they aren't you. Your different. While their infatuation will eventually fade over the years you have a dedication which cannot be challenged by earthly restraints. You were 'meant' for each other, what more could he ask for? He is perfect, every aspect of him akin to an almost godly perfection. He radiates a zeal and enticement that no one else has ever managed to capture. He is so perfect that.... it's almost creepy. He hasn't a flaw you don't know down to the dot, he hasn't a quality you haven't adored in leisure. Then again, is perfection really what you want? If being human means we must make mistakes, what happens when his every mistake seems to be a calculated flaw? Does that make him... Inhuman? In other words, is he really real after all?...

-and yes, that's David Tennant whom we ALL love.

Your absolutely, without a doubt, doomed to a tragic relationship break up.

In the end, after all the un-returned calls, slammed covers, covert ignoring from across the room, and the fraternizing with other fictional characters; one way or another you will eventually come to the conclusion (that all Fictional Mooners) come to. He doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. No matter how much you try and shove this truth in his face he'll keep on going through the same motions of before, like he didn't hear a word you just said.  The worst part? He won't even give you the decency of a 'goodbye', or 'I'm sorry'. It will just be you. Alone. Sobbing as he moves into the next volume without you.

   To your horror, by now you may have identified yourself as a 'Fictional Mooner'. Let me feebly caution you against this, as I struggle with my last horribly messy fictional breakup. No matter how much charm he layers on, RESIST THE TEMPTATION. Avoid the blissful heart break you'll relive moving onto the next published book and live your life in solitude.

My Current 'Fictional Mooning':

1.Connor Lassiter (Unwind)
2.Hanson Alister (The seven realms)
3.Kelsier, known as the Survivor of Hathsin (Mistborn)
4.Murtagh Morzansson (Eragon)
5. James (Mind Games)