Thursday, May 29

Strange Things I do to Make Myself feel better

This isn't quite my usual topic choice, and I was a little torn between posting it or letting it fade into my rather extensive draft box. I've written so much over the past few weeks, yet none of it really feels right. However, coming up on my second week of vacancy, I decided I'd have to post something or risk the shame of having nothing to contribute to you guys. So, here goes!

   I was induced to write this after coming to the realization that some of my go-to-habits when I'm feeling depressed or distraught, are slightly eccentric. So, here's an ensemble of both my quirky oddities, and the things I'd recommend others try doing. 

Research physiological facts
   Strangely enough, when I'm really having a hard time nothing makes me feel better than a nice book on the human brain, complete with psychological factors, emotional theories, and a thorough divesting of all that I thought was wholesome reality. Let me give you an example.
   Did you know, for instance, that the cerebrum, (located in the front area of the skull) is not only the largest part of the brain, but also makes up 85% of the brain’s weight? It's here that things like perception, imagination, thought, judgment, and decision making occur.
   Another interesting fact is that in teenagers, the part of the brain that controls reasoning and impulses, (known as the Prefrontal Cortex) doesn't fully develop until the age of 25. This is what makes it difficult for teens to hold back or control powerful emotions. The reason being that this crucial part of the brain is not fully connected.

 ✠ Listen to loud screamo and hardcore music
   Though personally I enjoy this genera of music anyway, I've come to the conclusion that during times of increased emotionality I tend to turn it on more frequently, (and louder) than I would otherwise tend to do. In my opinion, it has to do with the almost desensitizing nature of the music.
In general though, I believe most music has a similar comforting effect, regardless of the genera. 

 ✠ Thoroughly deep clean everything
   This is actually one quirk I benefit from in the end, much to my content. To break it down for you, I go into this frantic cleaning mode whenever I can't seem to keep my hands from shaking, and pretty much rip my room apart, starting it from scratch. I'll use toothbrushes to get into the deep groves of my window, the baseboards, and above my doors. I'll vacuum the floor for an hour, then follow it up by completely reorganizing my room and throwing half my belongings in the trash. Apart from the usual list: clean windows, dust ceiling, wash sheets and blinds, and replace all the pictures- I get even deeper than that.
I clean the window screen.
(This is the ultimate waste of time possible, as every scrub seems to be counter productive. It's like rubbing the dirt around in a circle.)

Become a makeup bummy
   This may sound strange, but applying makeup is actually one of the ways I relieve stress. Maybe it's the art of it, meaning the ability to completely reconstruct a simple face into a persona to hide whatever your feeling at the moment. It's bewitching, to take something so plain and simple, and turn it into something rapturously beautiful.
   Contouring, highlighting, concealing, shadowing, and pigmenting. There are so many ways to do just a simple look, it's incredible! The finality of it, also gives me quite a boost of self confidence, (if it turns out well), which leaves me feeling a lot more capable of handling whatever is going on at the moment. Because if my whole world is going to fall apart in the next few minutes, at least I look good, right?

 ✠ Pinterest frenzy
   I must confess... My most obvious reaction to anything bad is to conjure a mother-load of depressing pins and drown my followers in them. (I'd apologize, if not for the handy little button which enables you to un-follow me. Gotta love that button.)
   On a slight tangent, I think pinterest should really be described as a woeful addiction from reality, rather than a source of lighthearted clever minds gathering together to share ideas. It's almost second nature by now to pin ever whilynilly thing that takes my fancy, to the point that I sometimes alarm myself as I look through my recent pins.  
For example:

engagement picture. adorable.
The Doctor *gif*
& finally....
long leather wings. | BVB THINGS.

In what world do these actually correlate?
Unless I was subconsciously indicating that I wanted to marry Andy...
Which is not a bad idea.

   ✠ Go on long car rides just to stick your head out the window
   This works wonders. There is nothing like sticking your head out the window and enjoying a cool rush of air and bugs against your face as you fly across the countryside. It's both exhilarating and awakening. I love it when my hair whips back and forth in the wind, and my eyes are forced into squinty little slits to protect themselves from the turbulent of air gusting against them. Finding a bug in your lap also magically accelerates the flow of blood pumping through your veins.

  ✠ Make up long, dramatic speeches for enemies
   When am I not doing this, should really be the question. My mind lives in seven dimensions, all of which simultaneously exist within my conscience. One of them happens to be a land where poetic justice is accomplished against all those who have ever wronged me. I make up rather detailed scenarios in which I brutally outwit and shame all of the people I'd love to give a good reprimand to.
   Though my hate list isn't very lengthy, it's three pages deep and soaked in ink. When I make enemies, I make them well.

 ✠ Write
   You all are well aware of this, as I've posted quite a few, (to put it lightly) depressing entries over the course of my blogging life. It's become so frequent in fact, that my latest post actually addresses the the matter, which you can find here: Disclaimer.
   Someone once told me that the best way to defuse feelings and think more positively was to write. To this day, I have both understood and appreciated those words. Just pouring out your feelings onto the page, in a way, eases the weight of feeling them. It clears my head and provokes a more logical outlook on what is going on in my life. Being able to express my internal strife helps a great deal in reliving the internal tension abuzz inside.

 ✠ Talk about it
   I think the best source of comfort however, can be found in talking about how your feelings with someone you trust and depend upon. For me, this is usually my mom and my grandma. They both have heard an insane amount of venting from yours truly, and blessedly throughout it all, remain loving and attentive. Their advise and caution has become a source of wisdom that I depend upon in my life for both guidance and assurance that the world is not about to end because of one problem.
   Friends are also another great source to vent your feelings too. However, sometimes this can be a little more tricky, as finding someone you can trust explicitly under the title friend is sometimes not easy. I have found though, that good friends can be both unconditionally loving and compassionate, in any situation.

 ✠ Really focus on something
   In the past, this focus has been school. I'd take more classes, study longer and harder, and fill my brain to bursting with equations, formulas, and vocabulary; just to turn my thoughts to something other than my somber and self-pitying monologue. It worked pretty well too, this focus provided me with a strength I couldn't have found in mulling over my problems to the point of hysteria.
   Other such things beside school could entail reading, movies, jeweling, making music, graphic design, as well as sports. There really are so many different things to do in this world. The possibilities are nearly endless within our personal life spans.


   I hope you were able to discern between the rather ridiculous methods to make yourself feel better, and the more logical ones. Whatever the case though, I want to leave you with some final thoughts. Just do the things that make you happy! (Within the grounds of common sense). Understand that emotions are temporary, and that dwelling upon them wont resolve anything. Quite the contrary in fact.
Give yourself some time to grieve, then try and work past it, one small step at a time.

Tuesday, May 13


Okay, so I know what you're thinking,
"this girl Lyndsey, must be some uber depressed chick with astronomical issues going on in her life. She writes nothing but soap operas."


   Let me clear the elephant from the room that we've all been worming around. I'm fine, healthy, and pretty happy with my life right now! I'm not suicidal, and I'm not suffering from any medical condition that would in otherwise impair me from thinking cohesively. Merely, I do a lot of thinking- and feeling. This blog is like a monologue of my thoughts, (hence the rather abstract title). Whether good or bad, I write about myself and the world, all the way to outer space and beyond. I won't deny that I'm more on the darker end of the spectrum than most-


   -but, I haven't killed anyone, yet! So I should at least get some credit in that area, right? 

    I suppose that's warranted... 
   Anyways, despite my darker taste and personality, I'm a perfectly normal human being. I've got two eyes, and two feet. Which pretty much means you're well enough to label yourself as human under the species identification chart.
   My purpose in writing such dark things is in part, to vent my feelings, but also to reach out to those dealing with similar issues. In my case, I've found that just knowing someone else has been through what I'm dealing with can make the situation seem a lot less scary. Knowing that someone else has struggled down the same path I'm about to take, is a welcome reminder that we're all living on this planet; and aren't alone, despite our differences.
   I've had a lot happen to me in my life, mostly resulting from failed relationships rather than actual physical hardships. Though that has been a long and painful journey, it's taught me many important things about myself and the world.The most important of which is that
we all go through pain, suffering, and trials at one point, or multiple points, in our lives. That doesn't mean that we should to lay down and let them beat us though. I've become to solidly believe in the wonders of time. It can really heal all wounds, if you work hard towards achieving it. No matter how hard things are for you right now, it will always get better if you strive to do your best to change them. I can promise you that it will get better.
   Hopefully now you've come to realize I'm not in any danger of self inflicted mutation, or other such mental consequences resulting from insanity. Thank you to all those who've made blogging such an amazing experience for me, I really appreciate your support and advice. 

This makes me happy for some reason!

Until next time!

Sunday, May 11

»To Love Is to Be Destroyed«

 The Mortal Instruments - quote by jace by Fanτaѕycharm, via Flickr

There is a loneliness that defies all expression. One so deep even words can not solace it's internal hunger. It's more than an emotion, it's like a second organ blossoming into existence beside your heart. Its sluggish beating merely imitates the fluttering of your own soul. The depression accompanying the hollowness inside your body is difficult to explain, to those who've not experienced it. Because it's razor cold and blazing hot all in the same shuddering breath. It freezes your tears upon your cheeks, right before it thaws them down into stinging pools down your skin.
  Is it tragedy, or merely the fragility of the human conscience to instinctively crave the presence of it's own kind? Not only that, but are we eternally sentenced to find the pieces of ourselves that walk around in the forms of those around us? Injustice does not satisfy its needs there, for not just anyone can damper the thudding aches that echo down the passages of the soul. Not anyone can quiet the constant humming of the heart... It's like searching for a single cure in a room full of medication.

  However, the worst hollowness accompanies what's left behind. What's left behind of you, when you find those pieces in a crowd, and they just walk away. It seems to be a constant companion, the betrayal of humanity. Is it really worth the heartbreak and renewed emptiness, when they're gone? How could such a pain be worthwhile? How could such devastation, and brutality, ever be a worth giving away your trust to someone who will rip it from arms? This world is not a fairytale, as much as we might try to pretend it is. Who can really blame those whose trust in human beings is devastatingly shattered. Maybe it's they who've woken up, in a world that was not what they had idealized.
  I wonder if this is my test. To watch the people I love most in this finite world descend into depths I cannot extend myself towards. In my heart, I feel as though I've experienced more than most would in a lifetime. Yet, it doesn't seem enough. The stones just keep on coming, the floods continuously pounding against my shores. I sit here and watch so many submerge under the darkness, and yet I cannot relinquish myself to their fates.  Despite the whisperings of my heart.

  I long for a silence, and absence of feeling that I will never have. I long to be free of the emotions and pain I'm confined to within this mortal body. Yet, I cannot rid myself of them. I cannot extend myself towards others in search of help, because no help can fill the divide the ones who mattered left inside me.
 Part of me longs to once again, for a brief moment, feel dependent upon someone. Yet, the consequences of such an action are to numberless to contemplate for long. In the end, it is they who will break me; and it is I who will have to put the bones and sinews back together. 
I am not a god.
I bleed like any other.

  So, here at the end, I must acknowledge that yet another one is gone. That they will not be the last in the long succession either. Is it easier to live without love? Or is it easier to live by that, and be broken. It is a question without an answer. A meaning so lost and diluted it has lost all potential for reason. Because how can you avoid what must come to pass, how can you detour the inevitability of finding out what you already knew.
That humanity is drunk in it's own fervor. That it is sick. That it is heartbreaking. That there is nothing anyone will do or say that can change it. Because, how can you fight against something so strong? How can you accept a world with no light? How can you possibly begin to understand the depths in which it can rake you against the coals.

We are alive.
It is not enough.