Monday, September 30

Happy Things

   Since I'm so great at writing such strikingly depressing posts, I thought I would actually write about something happy- to dissuade you from the more than likely depressed personality you've probably associated with me by now. Which, for the record, isn't at all accurate. In actuality I truly am a happy, normal person!...Though I wouldn't testify by the normality part. By nature I do lean a lot more towards being a very dark person, which is mostly due to the reason that I find something about dark things to be intoxicatingly beautiful- enchanting in a surreal way. Sadness, the gothic/emo look, tragic stories, they all feel so much more alive and rawly personal to me then any happily ending fairy tale ever has. (Mind you- there are exceptions.)  Mostly, the reason I write about so many disturbing topics is simply because I'm most prompted to write when I need to vent or express my discontent or discouragement with something- which is possibly a bad habit, you tell me.
Anyways, moving on to brighter things...

   This is really hard.
(-Searches happy things in the Google search bar-)
(Freakish pictures of oggly eyed owls sprouting tufts of pink hair pop up)

That's not right.


So then, whats this post about?
How to find happiness!

 Noticing the blessings we have in our lives:
   Most of us, specifically referring to myself, take advantage of the blessings we have been bestowed so abundantly with in this world. Most of the time I think that we take most things for granted- our parents, families, homes, computers and even internet (though frequently, it's slow enough to evoke a spur of angry slanderings). We have so much in this world, especially in America, where not only are we free to make our own choices but are free to go where we will, and do what we want. Even the beds we sleep on are commonly unappreciated, because they are just so basic in our every day lives. I've been in contact with a few people over my life, who had no bed, no house, and no place they could actually call home. Their oldest child, who was four years older than me at the time, recounted the story of when their family received their first bed. She was in tears as she expressed how grateful they all were and how much that simple bed had meant to them. To me, my bed is little more than an instrument I use in which to sleep on at night. Before hearing that girl bare her whole heart out about this old, likely worn bed, I really hadn't considered it a blessing at all! It just goes to show you, that even though we have SO many trials, stresses, problems, and pain in our lives, there will always be someone who has had it much worse.

 Expressing appreciation for those things: 
   I've always been one of those people who has never had much of a problem thanking people for things they do. Actually, because of this, I've learned that there are certain situations in which its hard to know whether or not you should say thank you, or not.. Sometimes, thanking people for being there for you does the exact opposite of what you intended in the first place! It chases them off, as though now that they know you need them so much they don't feel your worth the investment of their time. Or that your appreciation makes them uncomfortable. So, in regard of that, it's common for me to become pretty hesitant to say "thank you" or even "I love you." The question really is, when is it appropriate to express your gratitude?
   Each case is different, each person uniquely so. The advice I feel comfortable giving is not to get to verbally flowery about your appreciation. (If its your husband, parents, siblings, or relatives this doesn't apply, you can never be express enough appreciation). In friendship circumstances, saying "thank you being there for me" is often times enough. Keeping in mind though that each case is different, if you really know the person then saying more is completely fine! I love it when people let me know my presence in their lives has helped them in some way, and although some people aren't the same there is always trial and error. Though It's a rough road, you come to understand a lot more about individuals when you actually watch them, and note their reactions to different things.

Realizing how beautiful life is:
   Music, creativity, people, emotions, LIFE. All of it is so complicated, yet so disarmingly beautiful. Its natural to lose focus of that in the face of so much pain. Keeping a grasp on the beauty of this earth can become a hard task, but it is so worth it. When you feel beautiful, when you feel your life as well as this earth are beautiful, then you clear away those negative feelings clouding your eyes and actually allow yourself to SEE. People are beautiful, emotions are beautiful. Treasure them both while they are still yours.
Maybe its time you began to realize, 
just how important you are.

Tuesday, September 24

Into Darkness

Everything looks different in the dark.
Your heart - is now revealed in garnished dark ribbons.
Were the vibrant colors of day but a lie?
Were the blushing blossom petals falling from the sky
but a twisted image of reality - meant to console us from the truth?
That when the lights all fade to black,
everything becomes dark.

No sunlight is left to obscure our view.

In the exiled gloom and darkness the night draws over our heads.

The thrill and awe of we feel, coming alive at the sight of those rich and lush colors - becomes lost in the darkening haze surrounding us.


We are stripped,
of our false facades.
Glittering sheens, bright hues, deep shades.
Whats inside us,
is unveiled,
and everything
is black.

Monday, September 23

Fear Defines Us


Fear. That inborn, harrowing, irrational emotion wrought with anxiety, dread, panic and unveiled terror. Its hidden deep inside of us, sometimes subconsciously, other times not. It's constantly feeding off of our trepidations, and insecurities. In some ways it's even feeding off of our minds, our personalities, our souls... Because isn't fear at the root of our human structure? Isn't it apart of the core emotions we as humans beings feel excruciatingly more powerfully than any others? Love can be felt with the heart, but fear.. Fear can be felt with both the heart and the mind.
   Once you know an individuals fears, you can understand that person to a whole different level. The sobering truth is, that when we really understand our own fears we lay bare who we really are as individuals. Fear is our substance, the enemy we all try so hard to thwart each cold, battering day of our lives. It comes in so many different sizes and shapes; isolation, death, pain, loss, depression, change. That one intrinsic, congenital situation you don't want happening for any reason whatsoever. The one thing that has you up at night, thrashing around in your sheets, as the blossoming flowers of terror begin to unwrap in your mind. The dread formed from this obfuscating fear is enough to make anyone desperately long to lock themselves away in a solid metal safe and melt the key. Who can blame those few who actually do? The ones who pull away from humanity, shying away from the pain and incredible bitterness of it all. Who could really point a finger and laugh, when at some point all of us have or will feel the same?

For some, they only harbor a few core fears; and then there are others, who have a considerably larger pool of  them.
   If you've never asked yourself what core fears are inside you, then go ahead, start thinking about it. Chances are, it's a lot harder than you first thought it would be. The task requires a total melt down of your personality, your key traits. You have to delve right into the place in your heart where you hide your most secret feelings. Though its not easy, it can be done; and when it is, it reveals your person in a whole different light.


   Unfortunately for me, I'm not one of those very select few who only haul a few fundamental fears around. There are some fears in myself that I can easily pinpoint without much trouble, like for one, dirty things scare me. I just have to clean them up and reinsert the obstructed order those monstrosities caused in my life. Easy enough, right? Then there are others that take the work of a particularly emotionally challenging event or situation to really flesh out whats underneath all my carefully placed wards. To pry away those little fears that hide the true picture.
   I'm afraid of failing.
   Sure, its not particularly unique. Certainly no one would accuse me of being exemplary quirky or different in any regard. Its just my fear. The thing that has me looking in the mirror and thinking I'm nowhere near good enough, the emotion that causes me to break out in a cold sweat during a test because If I can't get that right, then what else am I good for? Its the driving force behind my obsession to completely overreach the boundaries of okay and into perfection. It's that little voice whispering if I can't be exceptional, then whats keeping the people I care about around? No one wants to be around a person who cant do anything. Who doesn't have at least one area they can succeed in.
   I know for some, this might sound silly. Why be so insecure about something that appears to matter so little on the surface? If those are your thoughts, I can agree with you. Its silly to me as well! I end up hating myself so frequently, wishing I could be someone else! But, seriously? You can't be good at everything. No one is.
   Even now that I'm beginning to recognize what truly makes me work, the fear of failure still hasn't changed. I can scream until my throat is dry, I can cry until the tears wont come, I can demand to know why I fail so completely at SO many things, but it wont change anything. I can overcome my fear, time and time again, and though the thought makes me cringe, in the end I may struggle with this for many years to come. I may strive for an unattainable perfection for the rest of my life. Its who I am, and who I might be until the very day I die.


Wednesday, September 11

Frozen Peace

Flakes of white

Spiral down

Breaking apart the opaque sky

Light in the darkness

Darkness in the light

Snowflakes glittering like fractured diamonds


All there is - silence

the turning of time has frozen
the arms it used to move so swiftly
unmoving - caked in ice

Flakes of white
Spiral down
Lose strands blow in the breeze

Frozen hearts
Cold stilled minds
all returns to peace...