Monday, September 23

Fear Defines Us


Fear. That inborn, harrowing, irrational emotion wrought with anxiety, dread, panic and unveiled terror. Its hidden deep inside of us, sometimes subconsciously, other times not. It's constantly feeding off of our trepidations, and insecurities. In some ways it's even feeding off of our minds, our personalities, our souls... Because isn't fear at the root of our human structure? Isn't it apart of the core emotions we as humans beings feel excruciatingly more powerfully than any others? Love can be felt with the heart, but fear.. Fear can be felt with both the heart and the mind.
   Once you know an individuals fears, you can understand that person to a whole different level. The sobering truth is, that when we really understand our own fears we lay bare who we really are as individuals. Fear is our substance, the enemy we all try so hard to thwart each cold, battering day of our lives. It comes in so many different sizes and shapes; isolation, death, pain, loss, depression, change. That one intrinsic, congenital situation you don't want happening for any reason whatsoever. The one thing that has you up at night, thrashing around in your sheets, as the blossoming flowers of terror begin to unwrap in your mind. The dread formed from this obfuscating fear is enough to make anyone desperately long to lock themselves away in a solid metal safe and melt the key. Who can blame those few who actually do? The ones who pull away from humanity, shying away from the pain and incredible bitterness of it all. Who could really point a finger and laugh, when at some point all of us have or will feel the same?

For some, they only harbor a few core fears; and then there are others, who have a considerably larger pool of  them.
   If you've never asked yourself what core fears are inside you, then go ahead, start thinking about it. Chances are, it's a lot harder than you first thought it would be. The task requires a total melt down of your personality, your key traits. You have to delve right into the place in your heart where you hide your most secret feelings. Though its not easy, it can be done; and when it is, it reveals your person in a whole different light.


   Unfortunately for me, I'm not one of those very select few who only haul a few fundamental fears around. There are some fears in myself that I can easily pinpoint without much trouble, like for one, dirty things scare me. I just have to clean them up and reinsert the obstructed order those monstrosities caused in my life. Easy enough, right? Then there are others that take the work of a particularly emotionally challenging event or situation to really flesh out whats underneath all my carefully placed wards. To pry away those little fears that hide the true picture.
   I'm afraid of failing.
   Sure, its not particularly unique. Certainly no one would accuse me of being exemplary quirky or different in any regard. Its just my fear. The thing that has me looking in the mirror and thinking I'm nowhere near good enough, the emotion that causes me to break out in a cold sweat during a test because If I can't get that right, then what else am I good for? Its the driving force behind my obsession to completely overreach the boundaries of okay and into perfection. It's that little voice whispering if I can't be exceptional, then whats keeping the people I care about around? No one wants to be around a person who cant do anything. Who doesn't have at least one area they can succeed in.
   I know for some, this might sound silly. Why be so insecure about something that appears to matter so little on the surface? If those are your thoughts, I can agree with you. Its silly to me as well! I end up hating myself so frequently, wishing I could be someone else! But, seriously? You can't be good at everything. No one is.
   Even now that I'm beginning to recognize what truly makes me work, the fear of failure still hasn't changed. I can scream until my throat is dry, I can cry until the tears wont come, I can demand to know why I fail so completely at SO many things, but it wont change anything. I can overcome my fear, time and time again, and though the thought makes me cringe, in the end I may struggle with this for many years to come. I may strive for an unattainable perfection for the rest of my life. Its who I am, and who I might be until the very day I die.


1 comment :

  1. Good job on being able to tell us a fear of yours and being honest and open about it. I see you're an analyst--you think about things. That just means that you think about how things are, what can be done to change them, what you should do, what happens if you don't, why things are, and all of that good brain-wrecking stuff. I'm curious as to what fear you have that you don't tell? Will you tell? How about share with me? ^_^

    I'm afraid of stupid things. Irrational things. Things that have no chance in existence of ever happening. Like...I am seriously afraid of being alive for the next 400 years. Why 400? I have no idea. Wouldn't any rational person like to be alive for half that long? I mean, think about all of the awesome things that can be accomplished in that length of time--all the different cultures and places you can experiences, all the knowledge you can learn, all the change in technology and science, all the loves you will have and come to know, and especially if you're alive for that long, I'm certain it's not without benefits such as faster healing, telomeres that'll stop disintegrating (which is the cause of aging), a thicker and more durable skin, etc, but is it for me? Nope! I'd rather die than be immortal. I don't want to live here for that long, not in human flesh, not as myself, and not as anyone. When death comes, there's a peace to it, an end. I want my happy ending. Not going to stretch my neck out to any vampire--real or fake or imagined--at all!

    That's a real fear I have. It's irrational and stupid. I know humans don't live for that long, but I'm still afraid that I might. And another dumb fear I have is zombies. Don't get me started on how scared I am about dead people coming to life. If I was the people in the first "Saw" movie, the guy with his brains blown out that was lying on the floor would have no head because out of fear, I'd crush his head with the toilet tank cover, just to make sure he wasn't going to wake up as a zombie--and if he was, then he wouldn't have a mouth to hurt me. See? Irrational and stupid fears. ^_^


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