Sitting by the Willow Tree

No, I didn't design this image--but isn't it epic? If only my artistic skills would permit me to create this magic. 

To be real though, a 'Hello' from Lyndsey has been long overdue. I've been to college -hurrah- I've held a real job, I've even met a few friends in between. I decided on Microbiology as my major, and now excel at stressing over everything and anything! Long gone are the days when life was carefree and simple. 

What's next for me? Well, a mission. That's right, I've signed myself up to serve (in a soon to be disclosed location) for 18 months as a representative of Christ. *WOW* -cue applause- 

Anyways, this blog post might be a little cryptic (and by that I mean brief). I wanted to list here a few goals for myself, and my future. Because saying it to yourself is one thing, but writing it down is another. Here goes:

1. Live life, find it's meaning, and fall in love with it.

2. Find at least two deep relationships. With people whom I can trust implicitly, and love without hesitation. 

3. Make my heart, home. Make my mind, a temple. Make my soul, the silver lining of eternity. I want to improve myself, and learn to love ME.

4. Strengthen my relationship with the Lord, and serve!

Until my next post... in which I will hopefully rant some, pry apart the secrets of rocks, and maybe spew my thoughts all over your screen for your benefit (but maybe mine). 

Confessions of an INFJ

To say people are my forte, would be odd from an observer's point of view. I conduct myself with a cool dispassion, bordering on contempt. I am outwardly friendly, but ultimately unreachable in an infinite number of ways. The question is, why? I confess this, only because I'm curious if my behaviors on this are shared. The truth of the matter is, is that within minutes of meeting someone I can see straight through them. I know their fears, their angers, their griefs, and pains. This may sound strange to just about everyone, but it's almost like I have a twisted intuition that goes beyond mortal means and behaves in a spooky, deeply intimate manner with humanity. I know when someone is lying. I can feel it. 

During an English class at a community college back at home we were asked to pair up with someone we'd never met before and write down our impressions and assumptions of him/her. I paired up with a blond girl, wearing a pink Disney shirt. Within a matter of minutes, I creepily lay bare her whole identify on my sheet of paper. Things like what her favorite color was, what her favorite movie was, that she was closer to her Dad than she was to her mom, what her fears were, what she loved to do, how she saw herself, and what her dreams were for the future. When I passed her my notes, she was rightly horrified (I hadn't realized we would be handing these to our victims). Her first reaction was to ask me how I knew so much about her, and the second was complete shock. I don't know exactly how I knew so much about her, I just felt it. 

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Interestingly enough though, I can't sense positive emotions. While I can tell someone is faking something right off the bat, I can't tell if someone is interested in me, and even, if they love me. I suppose every weird quirk has its limitations, right?

Yes, I am an INFJ. Due to the stereotype of our 'personalities' you may already be familiar with what I am about to express, but hear me out.

I feel so much. I think so much, about everything. Sometimes its hard to distinguish between reality, and what goes on in my head. Because of this, I'm very, very careful about who I let know me. It is almost impossible for me to truly love someone, until I'm 99% sure I can trust them. -and as expected, this whole Lyndsey deeply loving someone else doesn't happen very often. 

I mirror people. Their behaviors, and their actions. In a world that takes relationships less than seriously, I have had to learn to fit in. The real me, is a bleeding, raw emotional weirdo. I'm not normal! Far from it. The people I let into my life, are the people I'd swim alligator infested lakes to fetch mere lemonade for. I forgive them easily, however, when those people hurt me, I pull the famous INFJ door slam. 

People are my forte. They are puzzles I piece together, riddles I solve. While simultaneously hating the majority, I love the few. I am a bleeding, raw mess but despite the limitations of this I experience life anew in every moment. 

I suppose it's nice to say this sometimes. 

I love my weird, complicated, quirky self. 

A thousand words, and nothing to say

My hands have spent the last few minutes hovering over this keyboard; poised like a tidal wave, just before before it crashes back into the turning sea.
   There are things I want to say, yet I don't know how to say them. I'm unsure of where---or how, to begin.
   Me, with all the words in the English dictionary, and I can't string enough together to tell you what I'm feeling in this moment.

   Where do I start?...

   Maybe where everything begins.

   Change, uncertainty, but most of all: fear.

   It seems that my trials in life are mental, rather than physical. Everything I've dealt with to this point has tested me emotionally, rather than physically. I can vividly remember points during my adolescence, when I was overcome by a darkness I cannot begin to describe. If I had to choose a time when I felt the most broken, it would be this. My very being felt invaded. I carried a sickness in my heart that others couldn't see; yet that was more real to me than anything I've ever experienced. It pulsed in my throat as though it were an organ pumping vile acid through my lungs. At times, I would lay on my bed, and cry that If I could only dig it out I would feel better. It felt so physical to me, so real. There was something inside me, physically filling my chest so that it made it hard to breathe. It made it impossible to feel anything other than the murky darkness that became my constant companion.
   I felt fear then. Real, human, fear. Fear, that this sickness would never leave me---and that I would spend the rest of my life under the disbelieving gaze of those around me, while my soul pleaded for silence.
   However, I was saved. I suffered so much during that time, yet the moment I surfaced from that nightmare stands out to me the clearest. I can remember the day I no longer felt a crushing weight against my chest. I cried and cried---not out of sadness, but out of absolute joy. I felt free. I was free. Something had removed the darkness from me, and for the first time in months, I could feel the world around me.

I don't know what you would call this. Depression, insanity, hormones---it doesn't really matter to me. All I know is that I would rather cut my own legs off than do it again. I met with a force in that time that I never wish to meet again.
   I did grow from this though, despite how painful the lesson was. I grew a lot in empathy, and in understanding. My blog was even born because of it! So, good things do come from hard things. However, these past few months have my philosophy on that. I think for the second time in my life, I'm about to meet something bigger than I feel I can handle.

College is just around the corner, and with that rides the host of my childhood fears. I can remember being fourteen years old, and freaking out over thoughts about leaving for college. 
   I feel like I shouldn't be reacting this way, I feel like the normal eighteen year old girl takes a cake walk to college without any second glances. By that definition however, I'm certainly not the average eighteen year old girl. I have never been so absolutely terrified of anything as much as I am of leaving.
   On one hand, I feel a glimmer of excitement. I'm getting older, I can feel it now more so than ever. Something inside of me is bored with my life, and myself. I crave excitement, I want change. I want to have an actual selection of friends I can choose from, and feel like I actually belong somewhere socially. I want to have fun---in a different way from the kind I've had on my own. I want to go to parties, join friends as they nerd out over the new star-wars movies. I want to stay up late talking with my roommate, I want to have someone I can connect with as much as I connect with my sisters. A best friend, a boyfriend, I don't care. I just want someone in my life that will bring color to the drab walls of my comfort zone.
   On the other hand, is my fear. It would be presumptuous of me to say I love my family more than anyone does. ---but I'm gonna say it. I really love my family more than anyone does. A part of me believes that If I leave, I will lose the relationship I treasure with my parents, brother, and sisters. I think of coming back after having a horrible experience at college, and realizing that things are no longer the same at home. That I don't fit in like I used to.
   The thought breaks me.
   Somewhere subconsciously, my doubts and anxieties are taking their toll. I've been having panic attacks frequently as of late, and my left eyelid goes into spasms daily. (Which, according to my eye doctor, is a sign of abnormal amounts of stress on the body.) I've woken up three times in the past month, just sobbing. Sometimes I feel so stressed that I feel nauseous, and shaky. I can't do this, is the thought that persistently haunts me. What if I really can't do this? What does that make me?

One month left before I leave. One month left. One. The thought fills me with equal parts of dread and numbness. How am I going to survive this? Unlike before, my family wont even be an option for support. I will be alone, just like I was so long ago---stuck like a prisoner, inside my head.

So there. I've said it. Everything I'm feeling now.
I've spoken the words of my heart, and now have nothing left but hollow questions.
I'm so scared.
So, so scared.
I don't want to be alone again.

Questions...

I don't remember how old I was when I decided I wanted to be a writer. All I know, is that since then the desire to create has consumed me. However, perfectionism has become my downfall. Its fed off the doubts I've willingly handed it, and tainted the only thing I've ever purely loved doing.

I'm eighteen now, and after so long, this is the first time I've ever considered doing something other than writing.  There are options which seem more realistic, and would make me more money for me than the meager life of  a writer. The question is though, could I put to rest the one thing about myself I've always been sure of? That I could write, and that if everything else failed, I would always have my writing. I've compared my talent with so many others, that in some ways I've pulled apart the threads to the canvas I was just beginning to design. There were choices that I made; choices of comfort over trying something hard.
Last night was the first time I felt regret for being who I am. How can I go back to a life of normality, when I've tasted such raw magic? ---But, how can I continue on, when with every step my desire to make things perfect destroys just a bit more of the dwindling pool of creativity I have left.
There are questions. So many questions. What will I do with my life? Is my writing salvageable?  How am I going to pay for college? Should I major in my second love, science? Why are people so hard to work with? Science is so hard, can I really do it?
Yet it all comes back to just one simple thought: I love writing, with a passion nothing else can touch. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to improve it, I don't care how I have to do it.

Pros and Cons of Roleplaying

VIA Pinterest--(isn't everything?)

   For those of you who are not familiar with Roleplaying, let me give you a quick overview of what it is. A group of people associate via an online group, and write a story together using paragraphs per individual. For example:

Player one: Caroline rips the sword from the beast morphing before her, glancing over at Peter. "We have about ten minutes 'till this place lights up like Pompeii during doomsday."

Player two: Peter wipes his brow; beads of perspiration mixed with onyx blood trickling down his face, "you think I don't know that?!" He bellows across at her, wondering if this will be the last time he has the chance to speak with another human being.
   They're coming now, faster than ever. Through the shattered window to his left, he sees them flooding across the landscape below. Spreading like a dark spill across a pristine canvas.
   Coming to take their humanity from them.

    As you might imagine, Roleplaying is incredibly fun if you can get the situation right. Instead of just writing with your own pool of ideas, you are able to loop others' creativity into your plots in a seamless manner!
   Putting aside all the glitter and gold however, it's the darker side of Roleplaying that has urged me to write this post. You can say it's my way of both warning and inviting, future prospects looking into the tumultuous networked world of Roleplaying.

(Though you can find roleplays anywhere, I've always used Goodreads.com; just because people are more literate there, and tend to be aspiring authors.)

_______CONS:

   ✘ The Addiction
   I think the hardest part of getting into a fantastic Roleplay, is that it's hard to separate real life from fantasy. I'm super guilty of repeatedly refreshing my Goodreads tab to check if anyone replied to my post over the course of a few seconds. Which is not a great thing for those who actually have lives, and in particular: schoolwork.

   ✘ The Excessive Amount of Pansies
   When I say pansies, I mean people who melt down every three seconds with some fit spurred on by some serious background problems. The amount of people who are overly concerned with intentionally getting their feelings hurt so they can start a drama fest is just ridiculous. I've been tempted to quit Roleplaying several times because of the preschool tantrums that go on there. Let me tell you, It's excruciatingly aggravating.

   ✘ Getting Looped Into Roleplays With People Who Can't Write 
    Everyone has their own style; I get that. However, there are quite a few people whose style happens to be:

Player one: caroline blinked
Player two: Sam at on da prk bench
Player one: Ur not sittin on da chair rit Sam like stop
Player two: ok
Player one: Caroline blinked
Player two: he sighed
Player one: "what is wrong Sam?
Player two: nothing
Player one: ok then"
Player two: I like you
Player one: Kisses Sam me to

   I am NOT joking right now. This is literally the dialog that some people waste time Roleplaying with. You'd think that the individuals writing this tragedy would get bored, but no! They have more diligence in hammering out their two word responses than I have for spewing out praises for Brandon Sanderson and Lindsey Stirling; and that is saying something! I wouldn't mind this situation so much if these people didn't tend to end up in 1x1s with me. (It makes escaping harder.) I can live with one liners doing their thing amongst each other, but when they try and reply with one word to my arduously detailed passages--things do get messy. 
   
 ✘ Roleplayers Who Take Three Years To Reply
   Oh wait... I'm one of them.

 ✘ Character Templates That Require You To Write A Novel
 This gets really aggravating. Some groups become so infatuated with the concept that if people are willing to write ten pages in pre-background for a character, they'll surely have some skill in actual writing. Ironically, I've found this not to be the case. For some reason, quite a few individuals seem more adept at making character templates look fancy, than actually turning those templates into characters.
   *It's also my firm opinion that any group requiring more than basic information from a template isn't taking into account that characters are born while writing, and not while planning. 

_______PROS:

ღ Amazing Roleplayers
   There is nothing on this earth quite like getting into a great Roleplay. It's nearly as exhilarating as riding on a euphoric moment while writing your novel; that moment when suddenly the world at your fingertips just comes alive. Not only that, but there is someone with you to share your passion for the story, and who can give it the inspiration needed to carry the plot over rough spots that would usually leave most sitting at a desk overcome with writer's block.
   To be quite honest, this is the sole reason I Roleplay at all.

ღ Getting To Know Other People
   There really is so many flavorful personalities out there, and over networks such as Roleplaying, that becomes very evident. I find that people generally are very accepting of who you are as a person when you share writing in common; and not just who you are as a Roleplayer. You can just drop into chat threads, and start up friendly conversations with strangers as though you've known them for years. 

ღ Having Something To Do That Isn't Incredibly Wasteful
  Though Roleplaying itself really has no point, the writing practice that you can gain through it IS helpful. Getting to read experienced writers posts, can in some ways enhances your skills as a writer too. 

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   I hope those of you who are familiar with Roleplaying were able to empathize with this post, or at least have a good laugh at some of the items addressed here. Do understand that I intended no offense to anyone in writing this; this is just some of the things I find annoying/enjoyable about a particular hobby.
 Thank you your support, and for sharing these posts with your followers! 
 It means a lot!

The Most Important Things I've Learned at Community College

 
I know it's been forever since my last post, and I apologize for that. However, my mind has been a barren wasteland for the past few weeks, and nearly all of my energy for writing dried up with it. Recently, I've just craved reading something good! The ecstasy of picking up a book, and dissolving into it's pages is something I haven't felt in months. Because of this, I feel that in turn, my writing has begun to suffer as well. Without words to stem the river of the mind to life, where else can you derive the motivation to pass into a world you barely have control over in the first place? It's just another essential that makes books even more amazing: they bring life within a life. (It's like inception.)

   So, turning away from my introductory deviation, I'll now get to the reason for this post. The most important things I've learned in community college. If this doesn't make you want to skip it altogether and just slide right into a university, I don't know what will!

1. Group projects = sleepless nights spent agonizing over the stupidity of human kind. 
Honestly, people. When we go to college, regardless of what kind, we don't just assume that those who actually want an A should do the group work 100% of the time. (Yes, that sucker is indeed me.)  On top of that, when you get an F in an exam and then feel it's your right to dish out your complaints to every ear that will listen, just remember, it's your own bloody fault. (Those who study: will continue to study, those who don't: enjoy your lifelong work at McDonalds.)

2. Suck up to your teachers, regardless of how stupid it feels.
I know this sounds pretty dumb, but trust me, it's saved me so many times. Teachers actually listen to you when they feel like you actively participate in the class, and give a heck about what they're saying.  On your first day, choose a seat right at the front, and then follow that up by staying after class and asking the teacher to go over material that you didn't understand. The two classes I did this in are pretty easy going, I haven't had many issues with the instructors. The one class I chose not to I ended up dropping. (It was English, my most ADORED subject. Though the situation was much more complicated than this, look at the coincidence!)

3. People are jerks, don't let them walk over you. (Long angry rant of disparaging adjectives for human kind removed.)
I secretly wrote a whole post on this one topic, but it just felt to negative for me to release. It was great to get it out all in writing, but I just haven't quite decided to what extent I should/want to laden you guys with my problems. However, to get to the gist of this, no matter who you are or what the situation is: stick up for yourself. Once others see you don't have real guts the news travels like a wildfire. You'll have people you don't even know imposing on you in ways you didn't even think were even on the clipboard. By your actions, you show people how to treat you.

4. Welcome to the world of liberality.
Just don't even mention religion, politics, sexuality, education, or pretty much anything pertaining to your real opinion on life. From now until graduation, just assume that you are a sheep among rhinos, and that you might as well be burned over the things that don't matter than over the things that do. It doesn't hurt as much that way.

5. Your syllabus would be your best friend if professors actually followed it.
Wait, what? We have a syllabus?... I even wrote it myself? Wow. Maybe we should actually use that thing!

Until next time guys,
please comment with your own advice/experience!

Nutella and Vulcans?...

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   No-no, I'm just as surprised as you. Ardently, I've refused to participate in these awards since I started this blog! Why now am I finally doing one?... 
    Lack of time to give to a wholly developed post, and a realization for the purpose of these awards. 
   (I designed the award logo myself as everything else was to mainstream.) 
   (...That second part was sarcasm, okay?)

     The rules are as follows:

                   ➳ Link back to the person that nominated you.

                   ➳ Answer all questions provided.

                   ➳ Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate.

                   ➳ Write 11 questions for them.

                   ➳ Let the nominees know.

➷ What is the most important lesson you've learned? 
   I have so many! Naming just one is hard, (I mess up quite a lot basically). If I had to point out a specific lesson I suppose it would be that,
   all pain passes with time.
    No matter how deep the wound, the scar won't sting forever.

➷ What are you most scared of?  
   It might be silly, but I'm very apprehensive around darkened water. Maybe it's because in water I'm out of my element, and the inability to see what lies beneath it only makes that feeling of utter powerlessness worse.
   Another one of my fears would be isolation-- being alone in other words. I don't mean the kind of alone where no one else is around, I mean the type of alone where no one cares about you.
   The kind that has no words. No thoughts. No life. No love.

➷ Do you believe in love at first sight? 
   No. Love is something you develop over time, not within a single moment. I believe in lust, or attraction, at first sight. However, the love has a much deeper meaning in my mind.
 
➷ If you had a time machine which era would you travel to? 
   Victorian, or Medieval for sure. Coming from a psychotic Lord of the Rings fan, and a Downton Abby buff, I'd say that's a given. Anything from Pride and Prejudice, North and South, to Wives and Daughters is a favorite of mine.

➷ What is your favorite show?
   Now, before I even say this I want to make it ABSOLUTELY clear that I watch this through Clearplay, a company which thoroughly filters movies and TV shows. It basically takes a PG-13 or R rated product and makes it PG. How do I know this movie/book/show is so bad then?  
   I read.
   I'll come out with it then, my family and I watch Game of Thrones together on the weekends. It's  my favorite show at the moment. Which probably isn't a huge surprise to some of you as it has all the elements which caused me to fall in love with Lord of the Rings.

   *Note for people who are confused: In the past, I'd have immediately replied with Doctor Who. Currently however, I'm of the opinion that Stephen Moffat is ruining the show. Yeah, I said it. I'm sure there are some of you who will be burning down my house by tomorrow, however, let me explain why before I char to death.
   There is too much focus on special effects, snappy scenes, and liberal politics in the newer series. What happened to the days when developing characters, spinning out detailed plots, and using creativity and imagination mattered? Directing movies is an art, and sadly Moffat just doesn't have that. However, I do enjoy his Sherlock series, so that's at least one virtue I can praise him with.

➷ What are your favorite bands/artists?
   Twentyone Pilots, Three Days Grace, Panic! At the Disco, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Jimmy Eat World, Christina Grimmie, Max Schneider, Tori Kelly, and LINDSEY STIRLING.

➷ What are your favorite movies?
   Do I even need to say it? Lord of the Rings is my number one favorite, without question. As for the other movies amongst my favorites, I could be here all night. To name a few off the top of my head: 47 Ronin, Catching Fire, (anything by Studio Ghibli), Batman Trilogy, The Mortal Instruments (because Jace is freakishly hot), Bourne Trilogy, Inception, and the Matrix.

➷ What fictional character do you relate to most? 
   Vin, from Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson; or Mikasa from Attack on Titan.

➷ What is your guilty pleasure?  
   Nutella.

➷ What are fifteen things about you others might not know?

   ♦ I sing; used to take voice lessons, but I stopped a while before I quit piano. I've also been in two separate choirs, one through college the other religious.
   ♦ I love Biology.
   ♦ I still cry every time I watch this scene:
  
   
   ♦  The Joker is my favorite character in Batman.

    ♦ I have a continuous internal monologue. Sometimes it's me arguing with myself in there, or sometimes it's a fictional character.
    ♦  I quickly take charge of most things if there is no given leader. I'm a different person when I'm in control, and I like the person who emerges when that happens.
    ♦ I don't cry easily.
    ♦ I'm an artist!
    ♦ I'm an Librocubicularist, definition: A person who reads in bed.
    ♦ I'm pretty sarcastic. (If you haven't noticed yet.)
    ♦ I dislike texting.
    ♦ I'm not joking here...

    ♦ I always pay attention to the L and R on my ear buds, and put them in the appropriate ears.
    ♦ When I'm having a conversation with someone though texting/emails/etc. I use periods when I'm ticked.
    ♦ I'm terribly organized but at the same time spontaneous. How that makes sense?... I'll never know.

➷ Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
   I feel it depends a lot on the person. Most of the time, yes. However, I don't believe in third chances or hundredth chances, and that often times happens when you give someone another chance. It's hard to say no after letting it slide once before.

     My Questions:

➶ What is your favorite book character, and why?

➶ What fictional character do you think you relate with the most?

➶ Any weird quirks?

➶ Do you get excited over small things, if so what?

➶ Favorite color?

➶ Do you have a favorite book? (Can list up to five)

➶ Chocolate or vanilla? 

➶ What are your hobbies?

➶ What are fifteen things about you others might not know?

➶ What is your favorite songs currently?

➶ Do you have a Fandom?

➶ If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

➶ Favorite music of the moment?

➶ What are your favorite movies or TV shows?

➶ Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

     You might have noticed that I failed to link back the person (Whimsical Youngster) who nominated me for this award. This is simply because so many people have nominated me for various awards through blogger that I wanted to have a chance to acknowledge them each individually. (If I missed anyone, PLEASE message me or leave a comment. I will see it and quickly add you.) SO here goes!

                                                                          ✺ Special Thanks ✺

☞ Obviously, special thanks to Whimsical Youngster! At: 

The Starry-Eyed Dreamer 

☞ Lizzie Wolfe, at:

Castle In the air

☞ Ilsa Eruaistaniel, (one of my REAL life friends, so check her out!) at: 

Serious Sarcasm

☞ Nymisha, at:   

This is Nymisha

☞  Yasmine M, at:

Cloudy Dreams

☞ Faith, at:

Princess Faith

☞  Catalina Blue (she is awesome, check her out as well!) at: 

The emo wolverine writes

  

My Nominations: 

 ☛ Rigby64, co-author of a blog we run together (Fandom Alliance), and dear friend.

You can find her blog at:

My Geeky-Self and I

Just Rigby

☛ Kat, (not only is her formatting stunning but her writing is too) at:

(Almost) Completely Mad

 ☛ Madeline, (super sweet, and incredibly insightful) at:

In the wind

 ☛ Cindy, (amazing person and writer, if you don't love her blog I will be shocked) at:

Eat. Sleep. Read. Fangirl.

 Though I love many other blogs as well, I'm going to stop here. 
(Time is of the essence).

Thank you all!