Wednesday, July 29

A thousand words, and nothing to say

My hands have spent the last few minutes hovering over this keyboard; poised like a tidal wave, just before before it crashes back into the turning sea.
   There are things I want to say, yet I don't know how to say them. I'm unsure of where---or how, to begin.
   Me, with all the words in the English dictionary, and I can't string enough together to tell you what I'm feeling in this moment.

   Where do I start?...

   Maybe where everything begins.

   Change, uncertainty, but most of all: fear.

   It seems that my trials in life are mental, rather than physical. Everything I've dealt with to this point has tested me emotionally, rather than physically. I can vividly remember points during my adolescence, when I was overcome by a darkness I cannot begin to describe. If I had to choose a time when I felt the most broken, it would be this. My very being felt invaded. I carried a sickness in my heart that others couldn't see; yet that was more real to me than anything I've ever experienced. It pulsed in my throat as though it were an organ pumping vile acid through my lungs. At times, I would lay on my bed, and cry that If I could only dig it out I would feel better. It felt so physical to me, so real. There was something inside me, physically filling my chest so that it made it hard to breathe. It made it impossible to feel anything other than the murky darkness that became my constant companion.
   I felt fear then. Real, human, fear. Fear, that this sickness would never leave me---and that I would spend the rest of my life under the disbelieving gaze of those around me, while my soul pleaded for silence.
   However, I was saved. I suffered so much during that time, yet the moment I surfaced from that nightmare stands out to me the clearest. I can remember the day I no longer felt a crushing weight against my chest. I cried and cried---not out of sadness, but out of absolute joy. I felt free. I was free. Something had removed the darkness from me, and for the first time in months, I could feel the world around me.

I don't know what you would call this. Depression, insanity, hormones---it doesn't really matter to me. All I know is that I would rather cut my own legs off than do it again. I met with a force in that time that I never wish to meet again.
   I did grow from this though, despite how painful the lesson was. I grew a lot in empathy, and in understanding. My blog was even born because of it! So, good things do come from hard things. However, these past few months have my philosophy on that. I think for the second time in my life, I'm about to meet something bigger than I feel I can handle.

College is just around the corner, and with that rides the host of my childhood fears. I can remember being fourteen years old, and freaking out over thoughts about leaving for college. 
   I feel like I shouldn't be reacting this way, I feel like the normal eighteen year old girl takes a cake walk to college without any second glances. By that definition however, I'm certainly not the average eighteen year old girl. I have never been so absolutely terrified of anything as much as I am of leaving.
   On one hand, I feel a glimmer of excitement. I'm getting older, I can feel it now more so than ever. Something inside of me is bored with my life, and myself. I crave excitement, I want change. I want to have an actual selection of friends I can choose from, and feel like I actually belong somewhere socially. I want to have fun---in a different way from the kind I've had on my own. I want to go to parties, join friends as they nerd out over the new star-wars movies. I want to stay up late talking with my roommate, I want to have someone I can connect with as much as I connect with my sisters. A best friend, a boyfriend, I don't care. I just want someone in my life that will bring color to the drab walls of my comfort zone.
   On the other hand, is my fear. It would be presumptuous of me to say I love my family more than anyone does. ---but I'm gonna say it. I really love my family more than anyone does. A part of me believes that If I leave, I will lose the relationship I treasure with my parents, brother, and sisters. I think of coming back after having a horrible experience at college, and realizing that things are no longer the same at home. That I don't fit in like I used to.
   The thought breaks me.
   Somewhere subconsciously, my doubts and anxieties are taking their toll. I've been having panic attacks frequently as of late, and my left eyelid goes into spasms daily. (Which, according to my eye doctor, is a sign of abnormal amounts of stress on the body.) I've woken up three times in the past month, just sobbing. Sometimes I feel so stressed that I feel nauseous, and shaky. I can't do this, is the thought that persistently haunts me. What if I really can't do this? What does that make me?

One month left before I leave. One month left. One. The thought fills me with equal parts of dread and numbness. How am I going to survive this? Unlike before, my family wont even be an option for support. I will be alone, just like I was so long ago---stuck like a prisoner, inside my head.

So there. I've said it. Everything I'm feeling now.
I've spoken the words of my heart, and now have nothing left but hollow questions.
I'm so scared.
So, so scared.
I don't want to be alone again.


  1. Hi Lyndsey,

    A little bit about myself before I begin this:

    I'm 19, going into the second year of a three year degree at college.

    First off, I love the tragic yet all too realistic description of the darkness that has plagued you in the past. Coming from a similar place, I can say that for anyone who is not familiar with these feelings, they should read this to try and grasp it.

    Like you, I was terrified of college. After essentially my entire school life surrounded by the same people, I was suddenly faced with this reality of having to essentially start from scratch. Being shy and preferring to distance myself from making friends, I truly believed I was doomed from day one.

    But I can say now, even after one year, it's not as bad as you believe it will be. Sure the first few weeks were difficult. I felt like everyone would go off together and I would be left alone once more. Yet, I soon realised how foolish these thoughts were. The majority of the people in my course were terrified of the exact same thing; that this change would be too much,that they weren't ready. Like most of came to realise ( and every one gets there in their own way), you are ready for this.

    Reading this blog over the last few years has brought me great happiness and helped when I felt like nobody else was going through the same things. (Yes it has taken me this long to comment on a single post!)

    You can do this.
    You will.
    When the day comes you will look back and be glad of this step which you are taking soon (Or even think, gosh wasn't he so wise. At least I hope so.)

    I wish you all the best over the coming weeks and months.

  2. You and me both Lyndsey, have experienced this dark and deep "depression" as you call it. It's such a horrible feeling to have as you try to maintain everyday as if it were just a normal day. I am realizing from reading this, that I wasn't alone, that someone else, someone so close to me, was feeling the same way as I was. It's sad that now I am just now realizing this about you, and I hate that as your friend I wasn't there for you during those moments. But as your friend, do know that I'm here for you. In or out of state. :)

    I too am fearful, though I'm not leaving home quite as soon as you are, but all these changes and new doors are really over abundant and are quickly coming over me too fast. I find your writes refreshing, and relatable as I go through these same experiences. I hope we can remain friends, and if anything grow closer over these next years.

    Love ya Lyndsey! <3

  3. We all have battles to face. It's normal to feel fear. Gosh it's an ugly feeling but I think it's part of us being humans.
    I think you're right though. The uncertainties could get really scary. The unknown makes us worry and doubt.

    Don't worry, girl. You'll get pass it and when you do you'll realize you were worried for nothing really.

    Try to enjoy college one day at a time. You got this! :)

  4. Lyndsey, I love you and I understand exactly what you're going through. There's so much to fret and stress about and so much to do. Just rest and relax, it's going to be okay, no matter the fear, no matter everything. Just let go and allow yourself the peace you deserve. My brothers come back at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Summer, and it's not at all like they've ever left. Nothing changes, not the love and feeling that friendship and family hold close and preserve. College is different, strange, but the distance can't keep you away from your family. Skype and Facetime are God-sent; take advantage of them to watch shows simultaneously with your family, talk with them while you play multiplayer on games from different states, anything. Lynds, you are so amazing, and I'm facing the same fears -although I don't need to be anywhere so far from home.

    I will ALWAYS be here for you. I'm online; I have Skype, and please don't hesitate to email me. I miss you so much and I really want to hang out with you and be there for you in this final month. I adore you, Lynds, and I'd do anything to help you achieve your potential into that brilliant, talented woman of God that I know you are, even now. Confidence, Lyndsey, you are beautiful, talented, and love surrounds you.

  5. Firstly, I want to say it's really refreshing to come to your blog and read your feelings instead of seeing another array of flower pictures or designer clothes. I mean, those blogs are fun too, but deep posts make me feel like I was fed something hearty. But for the mind. IDK. I just want to say, as a fellow sufferer of depression, I know what it's like to have that feeling that your lungs are pumping acid... it's horrible and I would never in a million years with it upon anyone. For me, it was also when I was on the brink of entering college. I don't know if it was the huge change or my vast social unpreparedness, but when I got there, I found a whole new piece of myself. I really grew a lot into the person I am now, meeting people, doing new things, smelling different air. I am sure you will find your peace in college too.


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