Saturday, June 29

Are you really living, are you really alive?


   What is the definition of life? What does it mean to be really, truly alive? Is it enough that our hearts are beating? Scientists refer to life as being "the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, and reproduction." So is that it?... Is that the answer?

   No, it isn't. Nor will it ever be.
   Being alive doesn't mean you walk around like an animated corpse, neither does it mean beaches and parties every Saturday just to feel like your apart of the real world. Believe me, Ive been to both extremes. Frequently, I see posts about people desperately joining activities, taking new and exotic vacations, and even hosting huge parties in attempts to give the appearance that their doing something, that their living. Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Instagram, and countless other social media's are taking over people completely.  When was the last time you did something, without the sole purpose of posting pictures of it online after your done? 
    It makes me wonder how much happier people must have been before social networking showed them how little they knew about themselves. Constant pressure is laid on a lot of us to look as though our lives are cool, exciting, fun, changing and entertaining. Everything has turned into a huge advertizement- "be friends with me, I'm unique", "date me, I have fun.", "gossip about my family, we are so loving."...
   We are all trying to create fake identities, fake lives. Personas so powerful, they can fool even ourselves.
That's the truth of it really, and in the end thats what it all simmers down to.
Not only are we trying to convince others that we are living to our fullest extent, but we are really trying to prove to ourselves that we are happy.
   All the parties, vacations, social outings and hockey games are our way of fitting in with the 'perfect life' image we all have given ourselves. Because if someone asks you what your doing on a Friday night, you want to have some sort of answer.

   Now we come to the brunt of the matter, and the real question we all must ask ourselves at some point in our lives. What does it mean, TO ME, to be alive? Is it my friends, Facebook? Family, social websites? Who am I trying to impress?...what part of me am I lying to everyone about.
   Living is personal. Living is doing and being who you are, not who you feel everyone wants you to be. 
You might be thinking, "when I'm myself and not worried about broadcasting a certain image about who I am I get hurt. People judge me, and I judge myself because of that." So then ask yourself,
Is all this worth that lie?
Always hiding behind who you are and who people want you to be?
   Let me ask you this, If people would think so little of you, for just being you, then are they really your friends? 
   If everyone was stripped of their social tags, then who would you really want by your side?

For all you homeschoolers out there, you can probably empathize with me to some degree. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE who is public schooled or in college thinks that you have no life. I don't know how many times I've walked in on someones conversation as they talked about how homeschoolers are so deprived from society. After so long of hearing it, I really started to believe it myself. For the longest time I threw myself into activities that made me miserable, just to show everyone (Including myself), that I did have a life, and wasn't missing out on anything. That when they whispered behind their backs about how odd homeschoolers were, I could prove them wrong.
    I would prove them wrong... but then why didn't I feel the least bit happy when I joined all of their activities? All the things they told me would make me happy? Why did I laugh when they babbled away about boys and drama, all the while thinking forlornly about my books and unfinished drawings. 
   The idea of facebook became slightly obsessive for me, it was where all the real action took place. People loved it, people spent 12 hours of the day glued to their screens over it. I knew I was missing something by not being apart of it, so many people had told me so! I went to my dad and asked for probably the second time if I could make an account. He took three days to give me an answer, but in the end, It was an okay. 
   I was apart of facebook.
   It was hell.
   Id never felt more torn and thrust into battle then I did after joining that website. I became apart of the drama I had sought so fervently, and it tore me apart. My feelings were a constant victim, bleeding and oozing every time another battle came up. I had to be in the right circles, I had to know the right people. I had to spend my whole day texting friends who gave me four word replies. I had so many friends, but none of them knew who I was. If I had told them I curled up by my window with the sun on my back and read for hours at a time, they would have laughed at me. 
   I was a lie.
   Then I woke up. It was abrupt as a train colliding into a wall, bringing me to a jarring stop. I heard it again, the familiar words of homeschool oddity. And I knew then. There was no pleasing them, there never would be. Those voices would continue all the way to public highschool and beyond to college. If it wasn't my education, it would be my appearance. If it wasn't that it would be my friends or dating life. If It wasn't friends it would be why I wasn't married yet, why I didn't have kids. After that, It would be me. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I like everyone else?
   I found myself again, suffocated and nearly gone. The anger and hurt I had harbored from my supposed friends had nearly destroyed it. For once in my life I could care less about the crowd that seemed to follow me at dances or parties. I learned who to trust, and who not to. 
   I became stronger.
I went back to my books and crafts, I went back to writing random nonsense about nothing. It made me feel so happy, so ALIVE. I logged out of Facebook, and gave the password to my brother. I stopped texting those boring people who seemed to have no brains. I got real friends who actually had interests and passions of their own. I was happier.
   Who cared if I was home 5/7ths of the week, If I wanted to do something I would have. Socially deprived? More like socially recuperating, that experience showed me how aweful trying to change my life to be like theirs had worked out.

I hope sharing this experience has helped someone out, well actually, I always hope my posts might inspire or encourage someone else. Everyone is so different, just because I came to one realization about myself, doesn't mean it will fit everyone. That's the beautiful thing about the people on this earth, every one of us is so different that its hard to give a general tip without it being unappliable in someone elses situation or circumstance.

To end on a heart-wrenching note, here is a little inspiration which may turn out to be the bases for a future post!

Tuesday, June 25

Random Musings

I'm on school break!... Wait, what? You mean that time when your brain activity declines and you no longer think up great post ideas?...
That's what I really meant.
So, my neglected and rather abused followers, here goes another rambling post about my life and just stuff in general -except, here is the bonus.. This one actually has pictures! It wasn't a one week project, in fact it started with my summer break in an attempt to give me something to do. Hope you guys enjoy!

17 of Lyndsey's Activities:

1. I'm assigned to cook dinner for our family once or twice a week depending on my mom's and my work schedules. Regrettably, due to my failure to read instructions properly, we end up eating extremely salty chicken or mouth burning pepper rolls in recommencement. This is some cookies I made for our family on a Monday night!

 2. Here is my beautiful, problem infested computer; where I do all of my blog updates, school work, and extra curricular media. My I-touch is also hiding there on the left in my I-home stand, which is where I do my texting -yes, feel free to faint or try and convince me to get a real phone, (everyone does). 

3. An amazing drawing of link, done by one of my good friends Maddie! We both are quite obsessed with the Legend of Zelda, if that wasn't apparent by now..
   My top favorite of the Legend of Zelda games are Majora's Mask and Ocarina of time, though I have played the Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword as well. The older games, (my favorites), I played on my Nentendo 64. They just have so much depth and feeling to them, creating worlds of splendor and mystery. The newer ones are decently good, but they lack the same emotional attachment I got from the 64's.
 4. My room -aka- my evil laboratory.

(You can just barley see my doctor who blanket in the right corner.)

 The insides of my closest, with the bare hint of the 'GORGEOUS' picture Ilsa drew of me when we were doing our music lab together.
5. I love to draw! I may not necessarily be exceptionally good at it, but I love the feeling of creating something on a blank page. While drawing I usually listen to audio books or music, which -strangely enough, helps me to concentrate.

 6. I love/obsess/craze/adore medieval fantasy -well, any type of fantasy really, but I particularly love eras with swords or steam-punk like worlds! Swords are just so brilliantly epic, as well as bewitching when wielded by someone who can actually use them. Watching or reading about sword fights is like being memorized by expert dancers as they weave in and out of their formations.

 7. I'm a gamer. Yep, pretty much. Things like Harvest Moon, the Legend of Zelda, Gauntlet, Mario, Warcraft 2, Rune factory, Battle for Middle Earth, League of legends, call of duty, halo, Runescape and Fusion Frenzy were part of my childhood as I grew up. Though I still play now, I don't have as much free time as I used to and usually just put it off for when my gamer friends come over. (Because whipping someone else's backside is much more entertaining than massacring a generated computer.)

 Some Legend of Zelda photos I took while my sisters were playing.

 8. My favorite book/series of all time is the 'Mistborn' trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. It will make you cry. I'm not joking. The whole series is pure gold just waiting to melt your mind into simmering puddles of awe. The characters are so real, the plot so in-depth, and the story absolutely captivating! If I were to be stuck in a room, all alone, for eternity, with only one item to entertain me, I would choose Mistborn without a second thought. If you haven't read it you should seriously consider getting your hands on it as fast as possible! It is a bit on the darker side of things, but that’s me in a mouthful. Even if you don't like darker stuff I would still give it a try. It is by far, the most astonishingly brilliant book of all time.

 9. I LOVE Doctor Who, a TV show produced by BBC. No other series has successfully been able to rip my beating heart from my chest, set it on fire, then continue sticking knives in it like Doctor Who has. I literally wept for weeks following the ending of the second series, and I still get tearful just watching fan made videos on You-Tube! Christopher Esccleston, Matt Smith, Martha, Amy, and Rory are amongst my favorites… and okay, maybe Jack as well -*Shhhhh*- David and Rose however, are my all time favorite doctor and companion! 
   If you haven't seen it, I will raid your house-kidnap you, then bind you to a chair in front of the screen so you can watch it. All the while mouthing malicious laughter, (I cant laugh out loud or I'd ruin the movie).

 The doctor and rose <3
 10. I'm a lord of the rings fan.. What can I say? Everything about it is resplendent. The story is so deep and moving, and the filming just astounding. Ive already written a life long post about how much I'm head over heals for the thing, so Ill leave this off on a short note.

11.  I'm such a nerd.. (as though this is a new realization). On most days I can be found curled up in my room clutching a good book to my face, with an intense stare of blankness gripping my face. Reading to me, is our way of reaching out to other worlds and becoming one with other people. You can live their lives, do things you’ve wanted to do forever, and travel to far away places where the only thing keeping you on the ground is magnetic boots!

 12. I'm really protective of my siblings, (especially my cute little sisters). I really wish I could take them to college with me, (Like pack them in a little suitcase and carry them everywhere, wouldn't that be great?!) I love them so much, its going to be like ripping organs out to leave them behind.
~My brother has photo-phobia and avoids getting his picture taken at all costs. By some miracle I managed to find a photo with his toes in it! (Second picture).

13. I'm really into cosmetics -like, fashion, hair, make-up and nails… This picture was taken when I wasn't stressed to death, and still had beautiful long nails. (My automatic response to stress is to take it out on those poor things.)

14. I love anime an manga! My two favorite animes are Chihayafuru and Bleach, and my mangas are Special A and Lovely Complex. Of course, by default I'm a HUGE fan of anything done by Hayao Miyazaki, the director of Howls Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Castle in the Sky, Earthsea and about a dozen other productions.



15. I love school.. Yeah, I know I'm weird, but I actually get excited to start studying each morning! It gives me a purpose, something to expect in the future.
   (Sorry, no pictures on this one!)

16. I love making things with my hands, arts and crafts you could say.

 (This was just pretty)

17. Here comes the grand finale! Ive never posted a photo of myself on here, so here goes! My best friend (we are sisters, okay?), Kaitlyn and I are in the last ones.

So this is me, Lyndsey, your mysterious writer and insane fan girl.

Here is beautiful Kaitlynnn!


Playing around with the camera today, and was a little caught of guard for a moment! I love this girl to death, she is completely crazy as well as one of the most caring people I've ever known. Not everyone has the capacity to handle me at my worst, but she pulls it off amazingly! Though her shoulder is too skinny to cry on, (I would poke myself, haha!) she is one of the few people who can make me feel better on those world shattering days..

Thanks for reading guys!

Thursday, June 20


Lofty walls,
impede the burning light.
Opaque shadows,
constrain us within the depths of this world.
Sallow, frail, fingers,
tremble as they reach for the sky,
but jerk back.
Smoke, steam.
Burning flesh.
Soulless eyes stare blankly.

The sunlight is black.
Black as the dark crimson,
trickling from our wounds.
Black as the hollow places,
our hearts should be.

Something so beautiful,
is now blacker than hell.
Our eyes,
will never again gaze,
into its resplendent light.

Contained in the dark,
held at bay.
The zephyr brushes our cold skin. 
No pain.
No fascination.
There is nothing left.
But dark sunlight.