Monday, November 17

We hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts.

Via Pinterest

   Despite how impressed you are at this moment, the quote above wasn't actually conjured up by the unfathomable depths of wisdom I keep piled in my mind for blog posts. I ran across it while listening to a Dr. Laura podcast.
   Though brief, the simple words: we hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts, really hit me hard. Mainly, because it so clearly defined myself.
   Breakups aren't easy; whether it is in regards to friendships, or romantic relationships. Going further into that, interestingly enough, most of my cherished attachments ended around the same time about a year ago. Though I understand why I ended them, and why I proceeded to then ignore any attempts at contact my past friends and romances tried to use to reach out to me. It still hurts. Despite the rationality of what I did--
   It hurts a lot.
   Now, a year later, I've met new people. I attend an actual school where I associate with them every day! Yet unexpectedly, they somehow feel dull to me, and incredibly shallow. After having known such vibrant and unique people in the past, those with whom I associate now seem very little in comparison. At the end of the day, I can truly say that I'm lonelier being surrounded by all these individuals than I was when I had my old friends and sat at home doing schoolwork on a computer.
   It's this thought process that makes me distortedly angry and somewhat bitter with myself. I feel like I should have already moved on with my life, but instead I sit here replaying my old memories like it will somehow improve the situation I'm in. I keep clutching at people who I shouldn't even remember anymore; and hoping for dreams that died the moment I decided to stand up for myself.

   We hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts. The people in my life a year ago, hurt me so much--be it intentionally, or not. However, that sort of pain was, and is, familiar to me. I may have not always been thrilled with my situation, but I wasn't as alone as I am now.
   I know I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did; yet at the same time, I so desperately want to go back. Back to a place where I had people to talk with who wouldn't look down on me for being obsessively dark, and perhaps a little too morbid.  People who didn't pull religion out every time we started a conversation, and who just accepted me for who I was. I miss that. I miss the times when I felt that, maybe, people other than my amazing family cared about me.
   Despite all these feelings however, it doesn't change the impenetrable fact that I can never go back. I was indeed hurt during those relationships; yet towards the end of them, I did a lot more of the hurting. Things like that can't just be washed away. They leave stains darker than crimson; and remain heavier than the overbearing sky above. Though part of me longs for a chance to change things, I know without a doubt that I wouldn't have done things any differently if I were to go back and do it again.
   I think we as individuals try and hide ourselves from the simple truth that relationships do really change us. We come out different people at the end of them; people who are no longer compatible in the ways they were before. I'm not sure if I can say I'm better for it; however, I accept that I am who I am because of it. I'm more respected than I've ever been, because I've grown above and beyond the timid girl I was a year ago. I'm a 17 year old, early high school graduate, who is in charge of a bunch of twenty-somethings from class because they look up to me enough to place me in charge! It's crazy! I have the second highest grade in my biology class, and am sailing with flying colors everywhere else too. 
   The girl from a year ago, couldn't have done that.
   I've grown a lot.
   And maybe instead of thinking about the good days, I should focus on this goodness.

   I think the most important thing that I need to remember, maybe what we all need to remember, is that we hold onto what's familiar--but that the future will be different, and will give us new memories to cherish. I'll meet people who I can love with all my heart; because that is how time works. It takes a while to roll its course; and so because of that, just enjoy where it’s at right now.