Despite how impressed you are at this moment, the quote above wasn't actually conjured up by the unfathomable depths of wisdom I keep piled in my mind for blog posts. I ran across it while listening to a Dr. Laura podcast.
Though brief, the simple words: we hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts, really hit me hard. Mainly, because it so clearly defined myself.
Breakups aren't easy; whether it is in regards to friendships, or romantic relationships. Going further into that, interestingly enough, most of my cherished attachments ended around the same time about a year ago. Though I understand why I ended them, and why I proceeded to then ignore any attempts at contact my past friends and romances tried to use to reach out to me. It still hurts. Despite the rationality of what I did--
It hurts a lot.
Now, a year later, I've met new people. I attend an actual school where I associate with them every day! Yet unexpectedly, they somehow feel dull to me, and incredibly shallow. After having known such vibrant and unique people in the past, those with whom I associate now seem very little in comparison. At the end of the day, I can truly say that I'm lonelier being surrounded by all these individuals than I was when I had my old friends and sat at home doing schoolwork on a computer.
It's this thought process that makes me distortedly angry and somewhat bitter with myself. I feel like I should have already moved on with my life, but instead I sit here replaying my old memories like it will somehow improve the situation I'm in. I keep clutching at people who I shouldn't even remember anymore; and hoping for dreams that died the moment I decided to stand up for myself.
We hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts. The people in my life a year ago, hurt me so much--be it intentionally, or not. However, that sort of pain was, and is, familiar to me. I may have not always been thrilled with my situation, but I wasn't as alone as I am now.
I know I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did; yet at the same time, I so desperately want to go back. Back to a place where I had people to talk with who wouldn't look down on me for being obsessively dark, and perhaps a little too morbid. People who didn't pull religion out every time we started a conversation, and who just accepted me for who I was. I miss that. I miss the times when I felt that, maybe, people other than my amazing family cared about me.
Despite all these feelings however, it doesn't change the impenetrable fact that I can never go back. I was indeed hurt during those relationships; yet towards the end of them, I did a lot more of the hurting. Things like that can't just be washed away. They leave stains darker than crimson; and remain heavier than the overbearing sky above. Though part of me longs for a chance to change things, I know without a doubt that I wouldn't have done things any differently if I were to go back and do it again.
I think we as individuals try and hide ourselves from the simple truth that relationships do really change us. We come out different people at the end of them; people who are no longer compatible in the ways they were before. I'm not sure if I can say I'm better for it; however, I accept that I am who I am because of it. I'm more respected than I've ever been, because I've grown above and beyond the timid girl I was a year ago. I'm a 17 year old, early high school graduate, who is in charge of a bunch of twenty-somethings from class because they look up to me enough to place me in charge! It's crazy! I have the second highest grade in my biology class, and am sailing with flying colors everywhere else too.
The girl from a year ago, couldn't have done that.
I've grown a lot.
And maybe instead of thinking about the good days, I should focus on this goodness.
I think the most important thing that I need to remember, maybe what we all need to remember, is that we hold onto what's familiar--but that the future will be different, and will give us new memories to cherish. I'll meet people who I can love with all my heart; because that is how time works. It takes a while to roll its course; and so because of that, just enjoy where it’s at right now.