The images are blurred in my mind now, it's harder to see what really happened that late evening. The only thing I know for sure was this feeling, so strong everything in my body responded to it. It's rare for me to be filled with such a strong emotion, one that sent me in a flurry to my feet and had me pacing the soft carpet of my small room.
I don't remember what was said, but what I do remember was my mom talking with me previously. She was on my case about my lack of interest in making new friends, and how I just lay around depressed over my two best friends previous moves. Truth was, I didn't want any new friends. I didn't want anyone to try and take their place. I didn't want to have to start over. It sounds selfish I know, but when you've grown up with someone, had them at your side since day one...It's not something you can just get over. For months I held myself all locked up inside. I didn't cry, I was to numb to. I talked, and put on a pretend happy face but mostly I just stayed up in my room working on the book me and one of the two friends had been putting together.
The day before that evening though something changed in me. The numb pain I had been holding inside surface in a harsh raw ache. I looked down at the picture trembling in my hands and for once I finally could see it. Her face, and mine. Smiling. The tears came hot and fast. I hated myself for feeling so alone and helpless. Without my two friends It felt like I would never have any reason to smile again. I tried to stifle my sobs, putting the picture down and trying to hide from the overwhelming grief that emanated in waves from that picture. I tried to put myself back together, but In my heart it felt like I had lost something that had been a part of me for too long.
I was so absorbed in trying to pull myself together I jumped in surprise when the door flew open and my mom came in. She was half way through saying something before her eyes landed on my swollen eyes, and tear stained cheeks. For a moment we faced each other, then quickly my mom came over to me and wrapped her arms around me demanding to know what was wrong.
That was when my change started. That moment of raw pain I felt in those hot moments of misery on my floor staring at that picture. The one thing I will never forget however was the thought I had while talking to my mom.
I'm in charge of my own life.
People can't change me, I do that. People can't hurt me, I do that. Everything in my life revolved around the decisions I made and up till that moment I hadn't realized it. The next day on that evening when I was sitting on my bed I realized that in full force. I decided I was ready to make friends and stop hiding, because my two best friends were never going to come back and I couldn't hold on to those memories forever.
It was a decision I had no idea would have so much impact on my life. Before I had never reached out or tried to make friends with anyone, because I already had what I needed. From that moment on I learned what It was really like to reach out to others. From that moment on, I realized If there was something I didn't like about my life, then I would be the one to change it.