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Despite how impressed you are at this moment,
the quote above wasn't actually conjured up by the unfathomable depths of
wisdom I keep piled in my mind for blog posts. I ran across it while listening
to a Dr. Laura podcast.
Though brief, the simple words: we hold onto
the familiar, even when it hurts, really hit me hard. Mainly, because it so
clearly defined myself.
Breakups aren't easy; whether it is in regards
to friendships, or romantic relationships. Going further into that, interestingly
enough, most of my cherished attachments ended around the same time about a
year ago. Though I understand why I ended them, and why I proceeded to then
ignore any attempts at contact my past friends and romances tried to use to
reach out to me. It still hurts. Despite the rationality of what I did--
It hurts a lot.
Now, a year later, I've met new people. I
attend an actual school where I associate with them every day! Yet
unexpectedly, they somehow feel dull to me, and incredibly shallow. After
having known such vibrant and unique people in the past, those with whom I
associate now seem very little in comparison. At the end of the day, I can
truly say that I'm lonelier being surrounded by all these individuals than I
was when I had my old friends and sat at home doing schoolwork on a computer.
It's this thought process that makes me
distortedly angry and somewhat bitter with myself. I feel like I should
have already moved on with my life, but instead I sit here replaying my old
memories like it will somehow improve the situation I'm in. I keep clutching at
people who I shouldn't even remember anymore; and hoping for dreams that died
the moment I decided to stand up for myself.
We hold onto the familiar, even when it hurts.
The people in my life a year ago, hurt me so much--be it intentionally, or not.
However, that sort of pain was, and is, familiar to me. I may have not always
been thrilled with my situation, but I wasn't as alone as I am now.
I know I'm lucky to have gotten out when I did;
yet at the same time, I so desperately want to go back. Back to a place where I
had people to talk with who wouldn't look down on me for being obsessively
dark, and perhaps a little too morbid. People who didn't pull religion out
every time we started a conversation, and who just accepted me for who I was. I
miss that. I miss the times when I felt that, maybe, people other than my
amazing family cared about me.
Despite all these feelings however, it doesn't
change the impenetrable fact that I can never go back. I was indeed hurt during
those relationships; yet towards the end of them, I did a lot more of the
hurting. Things like that can't just be washed away. They leave stains darker
than crimson; and remain heavier than the overbearing sky above. Though part of
me longs for a chance to change things, I know without a doubt that I wouldn't
have done things any differently if I were to go back and do it again.
I think we as individuals try and hide
ourselves from the simple truth that relationships do really change us.
We come out different people at the end of them; people who are no longer
compatible in the ways they were before. I'm not sure if I can say I'm better
for it; however, I accept that I am who I am because of it. I'm more respected
than I've ever been, because I've grown above and beyond the timid girl I was a
year ago. I'm a 17 year old, early high school graduate, who is in charge of a
bunch of twenty-somethings from class because they look up to me enough to
place me in charge! It's crazy! I have the second highest grade in my
biology class, and am sailing with flying colors everywhere else too.
The girl from a year ago, couldn't have done
that.
I've grown a lot.
And maybe instead
of thinking about the good days, I should focus on this goodness.
I think the most
important thing that I need to remember, maybe what we all need to remember, is
that we hold onto what's familiar--but that the future will be different, and
will give us new memories to cherish. I'll meet people who I can love with all
my heart; because that is how time works. It takes a while to roll its course; and
so because of that, just enjoy where it’s at right now.
